Drew McWeeny of HitFix.com is the film blogger I’ve probably been reading most. I finally met the man at Comic Con and told him that when I started reading him at AICN, it was almost half my lifetime ago.

Geeking out aside, that’s the basis for trust. As in, when Drew says he’s reading the script for the ‘Robocop’ remake by Joshua Zetumer and Nick Schenk, we can probably believe him. Which make his tweets during the reading process that much more depressing.

I tried to read the “Robocop” remake, but 20 pages in my nose started bleeding and I forgot my name. #nobueno #reallynobueno

— Drew McWeeny (@DrewAtHitFix) August 12, 2012

Here are some highlights from Drew’s script-hating meltdown:

I’ll share this one detail. In the film, when Murphy is turned into Robocop 1.0, it’s described “a high-tech version of the ’80s suit.”

Then they show a focus group scene where criminals laugh at the design. “He looks like a toy from the ’80s!”

So they redesign him to look “meaner” as Robocop 2.0, who passes focus group approval.

So they not only make sure to include the original design, they also point out it’s dated and stupid. *facepalm*

Hold onto your sides for more hilarious “Robocop” details. They outsource his construction to China. #seriously

And we meet the ED-209s in the field in Iran, where they’re used to subdue suicide bombers. #ineedallthedrinksnow

Ahhh… now they just dropped Robocop 3.0 onto an Al Queda training camp to see what he does.

“He should be programmed to incapacitate in all scenarios.” “Agreed. Let’s keep him PG-13, Dr. Norton.” No. No. No. No.

By page 54, they are already onto Robocop 4.0, who looks like a “cop on steroids painted metallic blue.”

Oh, god… oh dear god… Robocop is a Transformer. He goes from “social mode” to “combat mode” and back. Full transformation.

Write it down. Page 55, the “Robocop” remake beat me. I’m done. I can’t hurt more than this.

Someone shows Pope, head of the OCP project, some mock-ups for Robocop action figures. “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t buy that for a dollar!”

Okay… the two “best” lines in the script. First up is at the unveiling ceremony for Robocop in Detroit, from a TV reporter covering it.

“I think it’s safe to say that Alex Murphy is now part man, part machine, ALL COP!” Yes, I too remember the original poster, asshat.

Second, after the traumatic first meeting with his father, Alex’s son retreats to the apartment of Lewis, Murphy’s male partner.

The scene ends with the action line “David sits, catatonic, looks at the TV — MGM REMAKE TBD.”

I’ll say this: once the script stops all the winky-winky crap and just starts telling a story, it’s not terrible. But it’s way too late.

When this thing hits theaters, people are going to call up Len Wiseman’s “Total Recall” on the phone and apologize for being so mean.

 

Wow. That sounds…horrible.

From winking at the camera to basically leaving a place in the script for the ‘Red Dawn’ remake to play on the TV.

New question: is this helping? If enough of us post this twitter stream and yell towards the creative team, can this horrible mutilation of Robocop be stopped? Is one man’s dissatisfied reporting enough?

I think I hope so. Because a movie with Michael K Williams,  Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Hugh Laurie, and Jackie Earle Haley should – by all rights – be awesome(r than this sounds).

(banner Robocop concept art is not official, but by *Sallow on DeviantArt)