Drew McWeeny of HitFix.com is the film blogger I’ve probably been reading most. I finally met the man at Comic Con and told him that when I started reading him at AICN, it was almost half my lifetime ago. Geeking … Continue reading

This Sucks: New ‘Robocop’ is a Transformer Who Fights Terrorism

Drew McWeeny of HitFix.com is the film blogger I’ve probably been reading most. I finally met the man at Comic Con and told him that when I started reading him at AICN, it was almost half my lifetime ago.

Geeking out aside, that’s the basis for trust. As in, when Drew says he’s reading the script for the ‘Robocop’ remake by Joshua Zetumer and Nick Schenk, we can probably believe him. Which make his tweets during the reading process that much more depressing.

Here are some highlights from Drew’s script-hating meltdown:

I’ll share this one detail. In the film, when Murphy is turned into Robocop 1.0, it’s described “a high-tech version of the ’80s suit.”

Then they show a focus group scene where criminals laugh at the design. “He looks like a toy from the ’80s!”

So they redesign him to look “meaner” as Robocop 2.0, who passes focus group approval.

So they not only make sure to include the original design, they also point out it’s dated and stupid. *facepalm*

Hold onto your sides for more hilarious “Robocop” details. They outsource his construction to China. #seriously

And we meet the ED-209s in the field in Iran, where they’re used to subdue suicide bombers. #ineedallthedrinksnow

Ahhh… now they just dropped Robocop 3.0 onto an Al Queda training camp to see what he does.

“He should be programmed to incapacitate in all scenarios.” “Agreed. Let’s keep him PG-13, Dr. Norton.” No. No. No. No.

By page 54, they are already onto Robocop 4.0, who looks like a “cop on steroids painted metallic blue.”

Oh, god… oh dear god… Robocop is a Transformer. He goes from “social mode” to “combat mode” and back. Full transformation.

Write it down. Page 55, the “Robocop” remake beat me. I’m done. I can’t hurt more than this.

Someone shows Pope, head of the OCP project, some mock-ups for Robocop action figures. “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t buy that for a dollar!”

Okay… the two “best” lines in the script. First up is at the unveiling ceremony for Robocop in Detroit, from a TV reporter covering it.

“I think it’s safe to say that Alex Murphy is now part man, part machine, ALL COP!” Yes, I too remember the original poster, asshat.

Second, after the traumatic first meeting with his father, Alex’s son retreats to the apartment of Lewis, Murphy’s male partner.

The scene ends with the action line “David sits, catatonic, looks at the TV — MGM REMAKE TBD.”

I’ll say this: once the script stops all the winky-winky crap and just starts telling a story, it’s not terrible. But it’s way too late.

When this thing hits theaters, people are going to call up Len Wiseman’s “Total Recall” on the phone and apologize for being so mean.

 

Wow. That sounds…horrible.

From winking at the camera to basically leaving a place in the script for the ‘Red Dawn’ remake to play on the TV.

New question: is this helping? If enough of us post this twitter stream and yell towards the creative team, can this horrible mutilation of Robocop be stopped? Is one man’s dissatisfied reporting enough?

I think I hope so. Because a movie with Michael K Williams,  Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Hugh Laurie, and Jackie Earle Haley should – by all rights – be awesome(r than this sounds).

(banner Robocop concept art is not official, but by *Sallow on DeviantArt)

  • A_Wise_Man

    Transformer? FAIL

  • http://www.cinefiloz.com Emmanuel Baez

    Anywhere where I could read the script?

  • http://www.facebook.com/TechTrek.Music TechTrek Dario J

    I won’t judge it until i see it

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Jackson/100000540568357 Corey Jackson

    Considering Drew McWeeny has an annoying tendency to blow early details of most films way out of proportion I’ll wait to see the finished product and not make a decison whether or not to see it based pathetic comments from a critic who is more interested in being snarky than being objective.

  • Jesus_Slade

    Just stop with the re-makes!
    Steal something from a book, comic, game whatever!!
    Maybe do something original??
    I’m sick of recycled cash grabbing crap!!
    An awesome cast doesn’t make an awesome movie!!

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  • Storymark

    Okay, so we praise the original for satirizing 80′s corporations and events…. and now we’re bitching because this one satirizes modern corporations and events?? Is there a scorecard for this or something?? Seems like really stupid stuff to get upset over, especially without…. SEEING the damned thing.

  • Storymark

    Then go see more original stuff. The only reason they rely on the familliar is it seels more tickets.

  • Storymark

    Yes, he has scuttled entire productions with his fits.

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  • http://twitter.com/mixta110 MIXTER

    I wouldn’t mind this film at all if it were a sequel/spin off. ie Murphys son or something, or rebooting the “Robo-cop programme” for example. But a reboot that treats it as a sequel whilst rewriting the history and characters of the original is just plain wrong. Surely they must remember such classic reboots of Nightmare on Elm st, Halloween, Total recall, etc etc…

    This script seems to lampoon the old Robocops design, how disrespectful! The actor playing Robocop also seems weak chinned. Again, woulda worked better as Murphys son, that way coulda kept the future setting/tech but not tread on anyones feet.

    Robocop 1 & 2 were classics, but we deserved a better Robocop 3.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=514390260 Warren Wesson

    Great commentary .. .thanks! I’ll be sure to miss it,

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